14 Mar

I went to the Nickelback concert  earlier this week expecting some good music and a great show. And it was both of those for sure. But what I didn’t expect was to hear the first two lines of the first song and not be able to hold back the tears. They opened with the song  Photograph. In the background on the screen were random photos of friends sharing good times. Of people having fun, of those random moments that u catch on camera.  In my mind I saw my photographs. Photos taken from long ago when life was simple. Her in the photos. Me in the photos. Because those photos now tell a different story that what they did a year ago.  Those photos used to be a bunch of girls young and carefree enjoying life without a care in the world. They showed friends simply enjoying each other’s friendship. Now when I look at those photographs I see a completely different  story. I see people whose life will forever be changed before they are ready. I see a girl with a different thought process and a changed  view on life. I see what the future holds for them and I’m fearful for them. I want to shout out to them to stop and hold on and be present because you are living on borrowed time.  You don’t know it but ur lives will be changed forever long before they should.  

I went to that concert expecting a good time, nothing more. And I was completely caught off guard.  The moments I think will be hard seem to turn out ok lately. I can prepare myself for them and work through it but it’s moments like this when I don’t see it coming that  I’m reminded that this is far from over. Cuz there are times I think it is. I think I’ve passed the hump and I’m going to be able to just look back fondly and its over. Not the missing but the sobbing. And then moments like this bring me back to the fact that it isn’t. 

To be honest though, I don’t want it to end completely because the day I stop missing her and remembering her and longing for her presence with be reason enough to start again. 

Slow down time – I need more time. 

10 Mar

So tonite  we were picking up supper for our kids before heading out of town for a  concert. My son wanted a sub and the girls wanted chicken from the quickie mart. We pull up to Subway and my son says to me “I’ll get my sub and you can go get the girls their chicken and  come  back and pick me up if that’s ok” 

Ya, it’s ok. 

But it’s kinda not. I can’t believe how he is growing up. Everyday I see just a little bit more and a little bit more independence. It’s not that I don’t like it, I actually do enjoy it quite a lot, but it’s just the realization that he is slowing growing up. I know the next ten years will fly by as quickly as the previous and that will mean he is out of the house. 

I’d best take the time to enjoy this ride while it lasts. Because to me he is still my little baby boy playing in the Tupperware drawer. Yes I’m that mom. He will always be my baby-  happy to take selfies with his momma. 

My un-magical moments from Disney.

21 Feb

Disney was wonderful, magical  and great but even Disney’s magic can’t erase the mind and heart.

I cried myself to sleep on three different nights while away. The first night was because i felt so guilty that i was enjoying this wonderful holiday with my kids and my family and she never will get that opportunity. The second was because being away was so wonderful and magical it was easy to forget everything going on at home. But at the end of the day the realization that when I return home things were going to be unfortunately exactly the same as when i left, was too much. I can leave but things are still the same wherever I am in the world. The third was because i never chose this path in life. Im always hearing and reading how we choose our paths in life. But I never chose this path. Yes, I have a choice in how i make the journey down it, but i never chose this path to make the journey on. It was chosen for me.

Despite all that, we had such an amazing vacation with memories made to last a lifetime. I look forward to sharing all my wonderful memories too. That is so much bigger and takes longer, but its coming and i think you will all be surprised and warmed throughout when i post my favourite picture of the whole vacation, which won’t be an ordinary picture from DisneyWorld.

I just needed to get that off my chest first.

Letters to heaven #1

23 Jan

Hey girl. I know u aren’t reading this but somehow as I type I hope u r with me and hearing my thoughts. There is no way for me to get to u but I have  words that can not go unsaid still. So I say them to myself fully believing u hear them somehow.


Today i am missing you deeply again.

So much. I doubt that will ever change.

i can’t even pick a place to start. I just miss everything about u.
But lately, I miss the way you made me feel.
Sometimes I think if I can just get back to some of the things we shared, I’ll get that feeling back. We made some bad choices, some poor life decisions along the way all and some great choices that led to some of the best times I know I’ll ever experience.
I miss your carefree fuck it attitude. There is really no one who is so free. Or if there is I haven’t met them. I miss the way you drew in everyone whether you just met them on the street or have known them for years. I miss that random useless information that people always felt the need to tell you. I miss how you could never get enough of life. How the strangest ideas somehow seemed absolutely normal and completely rationale at 2 am.

I miss the future too. our plans for the future. the things we would have done in the future. the life we would have had together. The comfort of the security of sharing my life with someone who mattered. People  will come go in and out of my life now. But i want that one stable person that was supposed to be you. You and me. together.

So right now, I sit in the middle of this mall on a bench crying like some strange weirdo as I type and I wonder what people think. How messed up is this girl probably is what they think.

And to that I say Fuck it.

And i continue to sit here and cry all the while just missing u still so much.

My night with US Senator Hilary Clinton

21 Jan

Last night I went to listen to US Secretary Hilary Clinton speak. I am in no way political, I mean I have beliefs and what not, but I in no
way follow the large political scene or have any desire be a part of it.
So there I sat in my seat, listening to all the eloquent speech , the vast vocabulary and feeling my most intelligent self I have in awhile. I was right with her too-right up until she made a Putinism- what I can only assume was a joke by the laughter and applause it created- and then I was put back in my place. In my tiny little place.
I live in a little bubble. We all do. We live in our communities, our towns and are surrounded by who were are surrounded by and sometimes that feels huge and sometimes it feels small. Listening to secretary Clinton speak on global issues really made me feel the disconnect between my life and that global world life.
To be honest, I don’t even read the headlines anymore. It all just seems too much. But listening to someone speak who is on that level, who is participating in making a difference on those issues was eyeopening. The work that people are actually doing to improve on these situations is humbling. Whether it seems like it or not in our little worlds. It’s a battle that’s bigger than we can fight individually that’s for sure. But we do have a way to participate. We vote for the leaders who are making the decisions. And if you think you are only one vote then your right- you are. But, if you’re the only one who votes then it’s your vote that will count. So it only takes one vote. But that’s more political than I care to be frankly. The speech was engaging. It was certainly food for thought, inspiring and thought provoking.
I also enjoyed listening to her take on the U.S./Canada relationship. To the U.S.’ thoughts with regards to Canada. I see a lot of issues with american politics and its system – I can’t help but shake the feeling that House of Cards has its thumb on how the system really works, but I can also agree that Canada has progress to make as well.
The one issue I disagreed with her on was the subject of climate change. It is my firm opinion that the only countries who have a problem with climate change are the warm, hot countries now seeing colder weather. I’m not sure -3•C in Jan in Canada will have many Canadians arguing it’s a bad thing. Of course, that’s tongue in cheek, somewhat.
So am I going to race out and take an active interest in global politics because of her speech. No. But I do have a better understanding of what our leaders all over the world are trying to deal with. I have an appreciation for what it takes out of their liveto be a political figure and deal with those issues all while we rest conformably in our homes and sleep tightly. We must all appreciate that.

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