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Tag Archives: life after loss

Photographs

14 Mar

I went to the Nickelback concert  earlier this week expecting some good music and a great show. And it was both of those for sure. But what I didn’t expect was to hear the first two lines of the first song and not be able to hold back the tears. They opened with the song  Photograph. In the background on the screen were random photos of friends sharing good times. Of people having fun, of those random moments that u catch on camera.  In my mind I saw my photographs. Photos taken from long ago when life was simple. Her in the photos. Me in the photos. Because those photos now tell a different story that what they did a year ago.  Those photos used to be a bunch of girls young and carefree enjoying life without a care in the world. They showed friends simply enjoying each other’s friendship. Now when I look at those photographs I see a completely different  story. I see people whose life will forever be changed before they are ready. I see a girl with a different thought process and a changed  view on life. I see what the future holds for them and I’m fearful for them. I want to shout out to them to stop and hold on and be present because you are living on borrowed time.  You don’t know it but ur lives will be changed forever long before they should.  

I went to that concert expecting a good time, nothing more. And I was completely caught off guard.  The moments I think will be hard seem to turn out ok lately. I can prepare myself for them and work through it but it’s moments like this when I don’t see it coming that  I’m reminded that this is far from over. Cuz there are times I think it is. I think I’ve passed the hump and I’m going to be able to just look back fondly and its over. Not the missing but the sobbing. And then moments like this bring me back to the fact that it isn’t. 

To be honest though, I don’t want it to end completely because the day I stop missing her and remembering her and longing for her presence with be reason enough to start again. 

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Christmas party 2014

2 Jan

Ever since I can remember “the girls” and I have had an annual Xmas party. I think it started when we were in grade 8 – so about 20+ years now! OMG, i sound old, but Im really not…Anyways, it has evolved over time – we’ve done fancy dress up, scavenger hunt, appetizers, sit down suppers, going out for supper, present exchange, no presents, new people, old people, some never to return people who just didn’t fit in – and now this year another it evolved to a “family” Christmas. This is something we’ve talked about doing for a few years but our “girl” time is so precious that we didn’t want to share that with anyone. Not even our kids.
As you are all aware by now,  everything has changed this year and it finally felt right. My “girl time” and “girls” are so very important to me. I value them all for a variety of different reasons. But one thing I admire them all for the most is the women that they’ve grown into and the mothers they’ve become.
We discuss our children all the time, the good and the not so good. But it’s entirely different watching them be parents rather than just listening. And it’s wonderful to physically see all the kids and not just hear about them.

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So this year we did it. We rented a room and had pizza and appetizers for supper. We planned some games, had a treat bag delivered and then the kids had a dance party for awhile before they all tired out and went off to bed. And then we still had our “girl” time.

This was a pivotal night for all of us. The first Christmas party without the biggest party girl. I know I was nervous. I wasn’t sure we still had it in us to be fun. To let all the pain and hurt from the past year go for the night and just be the silly girls we’ve always been.
We talked like old times, we danced, of course we cried, but we also laughed. Laughed like i hadn’t done in months.

And it felt good.
Soo good.
And sad.
But soo good.

I honestly had one of the best nights I have had in the almost 9 months since she passed.  Everything about that night felt like it was supposed to feel at christmas. And because it was amongst all the girls, it didn’t feel like betrayal. Her songs played on the stereo and we knew she was there celebrating with us. We laughed at things she would have done. We laughed like she would want us to laugh.

This is my extended family. I look forward to watching all these kids grow up to be functioning adults and watching all my girls grow as people too. It’s so true that its the moments in life that matter. These new memories along with all the christmas party past memories are really what its all about for me at christmas. I can’t wait to start planning next years party and look forward to those who weren’t able to join us this year to be there next year. Cuz after all, missing any girls night seems like a good idea at the time…but never actually is!

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