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Christmas party 2014

2 Jan

Ever since I can remember “the girls” and I have had an annual Xmas party. I think it started when we were in grade 8 – so about 20+ years now! OMG, i sound old, but Im really not…Anyways, it has evolved over time – we’ve done fancy dress up, scavenger hunt, appetizers, sit down suppers, going out for supper, present exchange, no presents, new people, old people, some never to return people who just didn’t fit in – and now this year another it evolved to a “family” Christmas. This is something we’ve talked about doing for a few years but our “girl” time is so precious that we didn’t want to share that with anyone. Not even our kids.
As you are all aware by now,  everything has changed this year and it finally felt right. My “girl time” and “girls” are so very important to me. I value them all for a variety of different reasons. But one thing I admire them all for the most is the women that they’ve grown into and the mothers they’ve become.
We discuss our children all the time, the good and the not so good. But it’s entirely different watching them be parents rather than just listening. And it’s wonderful to physically see all the kids and not just hear about them.

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So this year we did it. We rented a room and had pizza and appetizers for supper. We planned some games, had a treat bag delivered and then the kids had a dance party for awhile before they all tired out and went off to bed. And then we still had our “girl” time.

This was a pivotal night for all of us. The first Christmas party without the biggest party girl. I know I was nervous. I wasn’t sure we still had it in us to be fun. To let all the pain and hurt from the past year go for the night and just be the silly girls we’ve always been.
We talked like old times, we danced, of course we cried, but we also laughed. Laughed like i hadn’t done in months.

And it felt good.
Soo good.
And sad.
But soo good.

I honestly had one of the best nights I have had in the almost 9 months since she passed.  Everything about that night felt like it was supposed to feel at christmas. And because it was amongst all the girls, it didn’t feel like betrayal. Her songs played on the stereo and we knew she was there celebrating with us. We laughed at things she would have done. We laughed like she would want us to laugh.

This is my extended family. I look forward to watching all these kids grow up to be functioning adults and watching all my girls grow as people too. It’s so true that its the moments in life that matter. These new memories along with all the christmas party past memories are really what its all about for me at christmas. I can’t wait to start planning next years party and look forward to those who weren’t able to join us this year to be there next year. Cuz after all, missing any girls night seems like a good idea at the time…but never actually is!

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8 month check in and update to my story

7 Dec

Today i made a decision. this post will go live. I’ve been asked by a few why I’m not writing anymore on here and the truth is i have been. i just haven’t been hitting the “post” button. I start out writing about one topic or another and by the time i get to the end, its me being a blubbery mess. Again. So i don’t post it. i figure people don’t want to keep reading about my grief, and honestly i don’t want people to see it all the time anymore either. So ill give a quick update and then this post will go live.

8 months today was her funeral. every day for the last 8 months, has been measured by that timeline. Every day it was what was going on last year at this time, what has happened since that day. what has changed.

What hasn’t.

Really. everything has.
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Be grateful for what you have. Never waste a moment.

25 Jun

Maybe I am the girl who goes to bed at 10 instead of 2.

Losing a friend for over 30 years seriously makes you wonder who you really are and who you were because of who they were. I know that she loved to stay up late and get every moment out of the night. I did too. I think. But maybe I am the girl who just wants to visit for a bit and then go to bed. Maybe I was the girl who stayed up all night – for her. Because she wanted me to.

My mind goes back to all the times we spent together. All the talks we had, all the silences we spent, comfortably, together. I loved this girl more than I ever did realize or could have imagined I could love someone. There are so many things that I did not realize that I do now. That makes sense. You never know what you have till its gone. Hindsight is 20/20. I can say that is true for a lot of things. But the one thing I do  know and was always certain of, was this – I was always aware of was the fact that I was blessed to have this girl in my life. I knew that I would never regret enjoying every moment with her. I knew that living with the regret from decisions made with her,  was better than living with the regret of not doing it at all. I knew I was a part of something so special with not only her but our whole group of friends. She would boast about it on social media and I would cringe because I would feel bad for those who didn’t have this relationship. I was hesitant to like or comment too much to avoid being bragging too much. I didn’t want others jealous of our circle. Because I knew they were. And if they weren’t, they should have been. It was amazing. It was amazing to be a part of that.

Our times together were never wasted.

We made the most of every.

Single.

Time.

We were together. I was fortunate and lucky enough to know to savour every moment. I stayed up till dawn with her, I laughed at every joke, we reminisced about the early times every time we were together as if to permanently engrave them in our minds. We spent lazy days together with the kids. We let the housework pile up if it meant an opportunity to plan a social event with the kids, for the kids or around the kids. We shared beers. We shared wines. We shared our hangovers. We shared the good times. We shared the fights, we shared the times we thought we would strangle our kids.

We laughed. We had FUN.

Looking back now, I honestly believe that I will have lived the bestest  life I will ever live. Life will go on. Things will hurt less. Laughter will return.

But it will never be as good as it once was.

Because I honestly can not imagine anything greater.

Now I work on the process of accepting that. Of being OK with that realization. Of finding out what this new life will be like.

I think about having the fun return to my life. Our lives. When will we actually enjoy the day and not be burdened by the sadness of the fact that she isn’t here to share it with us. Sure, soon I will be better at pretending. I will get to the point where I will get through a visit without my eyes welling up, without the lump building in my throat and having to turn away and count to 10 to stop what I know so familiarly is coming.

I wonder what life will look like when the day comes that I will enjoy the whole day and wake up the next day and say “oh gosh, that was fun”. What will it feel like to no longer have to pretend. To know that once alone the tears will not fall. What will that new fun look, feel like. Will it be as good? Will it be any good at all?

I have a large measuring stick that things will have to stand up against. They could never be as tall as that. And I think I am becoming Ok with that fact. Of accepting that whatever happens from this point on may one day be OK, but it will never be as great.

How fortunate I was to have been given the life I was given up until now. There are not many in this world who have such a large circle of friends that love  each other so deeply, that support each others dreams and passions whole heartedly and have the intense pride in a friendship the way do. For that I am just as grateful now as I was then.

Right now, however, I still pretend. I still long for that feeling of life enjoyment that I once had. I long for the heart filling laughter and love that was once my everyday life to return. I will continue to mourn the loss of her, and also of myself in those times, but having the ability to recognize how blessed and grateful for that life is a step in this process I will accept.

However small a step it is.

 

 

 

 

What makes the girls like the boys when your 10.

24 Jun

Last night as I lay beside my son before bed he says to me:

J: Mom, girls are really complicated.

Me: Yes, we are. Why what’s up?

J: Well, last year if you were the fastest runner that is who the girls liked.

Me: Oh really?

J: Yeah. And now this year it’s because of the clothes you wear and the things you say and how your hair is styled.

Me: Hmm. Well, what clothes do you need to wear for them to like you.

J: Not sure. Maybe like UnderArmor.

Me: Do you want me to buy you some UnderArmor clothes?

J: No. Not yet. I prefer if they don’t like me.

Phew. I guess. These kids are 10 years old. Going into Grade 5 in the fall.

But I have a feeling the rules won’t change much from here on out.

Stage of Grief – Anger.

18 May

Stage of Grief – Anger..

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