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8 month check in and update to my story

7 Dec

Today i made a decision. this post will go live. I’ve been asked by a few why I’m not writing anymore on here and the truth is i have been. i just haven’t been hitting the “post” button. I start out writing about one topic or another and by the time i get to the end, its me being a blubbery mess. Again. So i don’t post it. i figure people don’t want to keep reading about my grief, and honestly i don’t want people to see it all the time anymore either. So ill give a quick update and then this post will go live.

8 months today was her funeral. every day for the last 8 months, has been measured by that timeline. Every day it was what was going on last year at this time, what has happened since that day. what has changed.

What hasn’t.

Really. everything has.
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my life is so different than it used to be. i look back now to this past summer and the slippery slope into the depths of  grief I experienced and I realized now that what hurt the most were the changes. After the funeral, there was stuff to do – people to worry about and kids to help with. and that kept me busy. For awhile. About 3-4 months in, it became crystal clear that this was permanent. that everything was different FOREVER. that nothing was going back to the way it was. And i dug in my heels and went down kicking and screaming.

People all around me were not only moving on but actually enjoying life and their lives were even getting better! I was angry. I thought how could you be so happy when you have lost a friend like that? I chose then to surround myself only with the people who were suffering and miserable like me. I didn’t want to be around the “happy” ones. I only wanted to live in my grief and in the grief of others. I wanted everyone to know she was still gone and that we were all still hurting. Nothing was good anymore. Nothing would ever be good again. How could people not see that. I leaned on others who i knew could empathize with my feelings and chose to ignore those who couldn’t. or weren’t. or whatever they were doing. i just had to shut them out for awhile and deal with my pain. without distraction.

I’m not out of those woods yet. Far from it actually. There are still those days when people who have a happy life still drive me batshit crazy. my nights and days still are soaked with tears of longing and such desire to see her and talk to her one more time that i physically feel sick.  they are still rocked by body aching sobs. but my mind has accepted that i need to try to find someway to move forward. I am coming to a point where i can see the kids are being taken care of, i see they are making progress. I am thankful for their nanny now after a few months of hating the idea of it so much in principal – after all she should be here with them not some stranger, that i can see the goodness in her and realize she was indeed sent to them by a special angel. I can finally call her an angel and truly feel her hugs and presence when i need it. that its not up to me to fix this situation on my own and that doesn’t make her less special to me.

I know she wouldn’t want me to waste my days, my life, not living either. So the fog is lifting for me. I’m no longer in the depths of that depression that i was in the fall. I’m starting to accept what has happened and I’m trying to make peace with it.

Ive started to read blogs again and one that has had the most impact on me this past month was written by A cup of Joe. it was titled “Worst of Time and the best of times“. In it he talked about how in the darkest of times there is always a silver lining. he went on to describe him and his wife being seriously injured in an accident and their struggle throughout one of the worst times of their lives and how it actually became one of their best times too. It really struck me because this is for me the worst of times. But it wouldn’t be that if my path crossing with hers for 32 years wasn’t the best of times.

Thats where I am in my story.

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