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Be grateful for what you have. Never waste a moment.

25 Jun

Maybe I am the girl who goes to bed at 10 instead of 2.

Losing a friend for over 30 years seriously makes you wonder who you really are and who you were because of who they were. I know that she loved to stay up late and get every moment out of the night. I did too. I think. But maybe I am the girl who just wants to visit for a bit and then go to bed. Maybe I was the girl who stayed up all night – for her. Because she wanted me to.

My mind goes back to all the times we spent together. All the talks we had, all the silences we spent, comfortably, together. I loved this girl more than I ever did realize or could have imagined I could love someone. There are so many things that I did not realize that I do now. That makes sense. You never know what you have till its gone. Hindsight is 20/20. I can say that is true for a lot of things. But the one thing I do  know and was always certain of, was this – I was always aware of was the fact that I was blessed to have this girl in my life. I knew that I would never regret enjoying every moment with her. I knew that living with the regret from decisions made with her,  was better than living with the regret of not doing it at all. I knew I was a part of something so special with not only her but our whole group of friends. She would boast about it on social media and I would cringe because I would feel bad for those who didn’t have this relationship. I was hesitant to like or comment too much to avoid being bragging too much. I didn’t want others jealous of our circle. Because I knew they were. And if they weren’t, they should have been. It was amazing. It was amazing to be a part of that.

Our times together were never wasted.

We made the most of every.

Single.

Time.

We were together. I was fortunate and lucky enough to know to savour every moment. I stayed up till dawn with her, I laughed at every joke, we reminisced about the early times every time we were together as if to permanently engrave them in our minds. We spent lazy days together with the kids. We let the housework pile up if it meant an opportunity to plan a social event with the kids, for the kids or around the kids. We shared beers. We shared wines. We shared our hangovers. We shared the good times. We shared the fights, we shared the times we thought we would strangle our kids.

We laughed. We had FUN.

Looking back now, I honestly believe that I will have lived the bestest  life I will ever live. Life will go on. Things will hurt less. Laughter will return.

But it will never be as good as it once was.

Because I honestly can not imagine anything greater.

Now I work on the process of accepting that. Of being OK with that realization. Of finding out what this new life will be like.

I think about having the fun return to my life. Our lives. When will we actually enjoy the day and not be burdened by the sadness of the fact that she isn’t here to share it with us. Sure, soon I will be better at pretending. I will get to the point where I will get through a visit without my eyes welling up, without the lump building in my throat and having to turn away and count to 10 to stop what I know so familiarly is coming.

I wonder what life will look like when the day comes that I will enjoy the whole day and wake up the next day and say “oh gosh, that was fun”. What will it feel like to no longer have to pretend. To know that once alone the tears will not fall. What will that new fun look, feel like. Will it be as good? Will it be any good at all?

I have a large measuring stick that things will have to stand up against. They could never be as tall as that. And I think I am becoming Ok with that fact. Of accepting that whatever happens from this point on may one day be OK, but it will never be as great.

How fortunate I was to have been given the life I was given up until now. There are not many in this world who have such a large circle of friends that love  each other so deeply, that support each others dreams and passions whole heartedly and have the intense pride in a friendship the way do. For that I am just as grateful now as I was then.

Right now, however, I still pretend. I still long for that feeling of life enjoyment that I once had. I long for the heart filling laughter and love that was once my everyday life to return. I will continue to mourn the loss of her, and also of myself in those times, but having the ability to recognize how blessed and grateful for that life is a step in this process I will accept.

However small a step it is.

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to “Be grateful for what you have. Never waste a moment.”

  1. Journeys of The Zoo July 30, 2014 at 8:03 pm #

    Life is short.

    I know that more than ever since losing my son. I wish that I could say that I laugh and enjoy myself all the time, like I did before but I don’t. I’ve had some moments in the past (almost) 5 years but I’m not the old me. And I won’t ever be. But, I’m still me and I try my best every day.

    So sorry to hear of your loss. I’m here if you ever want someone to listen.

    Besos, Sarah
    Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

    • myjampackedlife August 8, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

      Thanks. I know what I have lost is so little compared to a parent losing a child and I hate to even compare it to that. I lost a partner in life and who knows what the future will hold, perhaps I’ll connect with someone again, but a parent can never get that connection back. If i had any insight or powerful explanation of why the world is so harsh to some people i would offer you those words, however, death, especially of a young soul is something i doubt i’ll ever be able to explain. 5 years sounds like a long time to someone who hasn’t suffered the loss but I bet the pain is still real for you everyday as if it were yesterday. Talking helps me so much. I hate the thought of everyone NOT talking about her and remembering her. She existed and I will never forget so lets not try to pretend its over. i bet people avoid the conversation with you to avoid upsetting you. If there is something i could tell everyone else, its that talking and remembering help and actually make me feel better even if some tears are shed during the conversation.

  2. Tenille Lafontaine (@FeistyFrugal) June 26, 2014 at 9:04 am #

    What a beautifully written post, as always. I can say with absolute certainty that I was and still am one of those people who looked into the window on your friendship and envied what you two had. Not with bitterness but with envy for a friendship that strong, that withstanding, and that loyal. I am privileged to have known you both.

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