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Life Goes On

13 May

In the days following her death, I find myself both curious and confused by what is happening all around me. “Life goes on” is a term used a lot in situations like these I am finding. People say it all the time. But what is happening is so out of the ordinary I just don’t know how to describe it. I still go to bed at night. I still get up in the morning and I still carry out the normal activities of life. We still go to the activities that were planned before her death and we “go on”.

I sit there and I look around all the time. Everything has changed and yet *nothing* has. One day she was here with her kids, the next she isn’t. The next day we all just notice her absence but the way we move, the way we talk, it remains the same.

We all miss her terribly. We all have moments of saddness but in some wierd way, it’s just like she was removed from the equation. That’s it.

Is this really how disposable life is?  If I wasn’t to show up tomorrow, life would just go on as before? What is our purpose here then really? If someone else can just step in and keep things “normal”, what is my role in this life? I understand full well that it isn’t the same at the end of the day. She’s still gone. The future is changed, our path has changed yet we all keep going forward.

I think of her often and wonder if in those final days she wondered if she wasn’t going to make it. I wonder if she had ever laid in bed at night at some point in her life before all this and thought about the possibility of dying herself and making plans in her own mind how she would like things to be carried on. I have. I have often thought what do I want for my kids if they were to not have me around anymore. I think about how I want them to be raised. I’ve thought about the activities that I am responsible for having them in that I would like to see continue. I’ve thought about the influence that I have on them vs the influence their father has on them. The things that we do together vs the things that they do with him.

I want them to stay in hockey and dance. I want their paino lessons to continue. I want them to continue to have active social lives. I am more social than my husband and am largely responsible for them planning activities or meeting up with other moms and their kids. I worry that would all end. I am stricter than my husband when it comes to getting chores, schoolwork. He does many other things with them that if he were to die, I would have to very mindful of keeping in the front.

So when I look at her kids, I think, what can I keep the same for them. What can I do to fulfill some of her wishes for them. But we are so very different people ourselves. She was the ying to my yang. She is outgoing, I am quiet in comparison. She was always happy, I am quieter. She was the planner, I was the follower. She made the conversation, I just participated along with her. She made the friends, and made me like them. She took an interest in people lives and filled me in. She was the deal finder, I was the impulse buyer. What part of *her* can I keep active for them when I myself am so different. I spent half my time with her and them, so I do know something about how she was raising them, how she disciplined and the stuff she enjoyed doing with them and for them. If i don’t at least try to do something for them, then how can I say I really loved her at all.

I guess as these days go on, I am trying to figure out how this “life goes on” works. Because just going on as if nothing has changed isn’t working for me. It has all changed.

I am honestly struggling with the fact that everything is continuing as before just without her here. I want the whole world to stop and say “whoa. Things have changed. What are we going to do.” I want everyone to sit down and make a plan as to what we are going to do everyday without her. Without her to share our lives with. I want to know what part we are going to play in keeping her memory alive, or what our part will be in terms of ensuring her children grow up to be happy and healthy. I don’t want things to just go on. I want there to be some purpose behind all of our existence.

Or else what is the point? If we die and people just move forward, what part do we really play in this whole story?

 

 

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3 Responses to “Life Goes On”

  1. El Guapo May 13, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    Yes, it’s changed. But when you’re with her kids, they’ll feel their mother, and her love, through you.

    Sadly, we’re proof against everything that’s happened before in the world that life goes on. Doesn’t mean life is disposable. And you get to decide what your time here is worth, and how you spend, and how you show friends and family that they’re important.
    And talk to people about what you want for your kids. But for however long you’re here, I bet your kids and husband feel loved every single moment.

    (Please delete if I’m too maudlin or pezhead-ish.)
    (And remember that regardless of what anyone says about moving on, it takes a while, and you can grieve as you need to…)

    • myjampackedlife May 16, 2014 at 7:18 am #

      i would never delete. I appreciate your reading and commenting too much.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Stage of Grief – Anger. | myJAMpackedlife - May 17, 2014

    […] then I wrote Life Goes On and I meant that […]

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