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The day the world I was living in was destroyed

4 May

Saturday May 3 2014 my “life” ended. My best friend passed away at 2:05am. With that passing, the world as I once knew it is over. From now on my days will always be remembered as before her death and after her death.

We found out on Thursday that this was to be a fatal condition in which she had and were given the opportunity to see her one last time and say our final goodbyes. I write those words. I’ve said the words. I’ve read the words written by other people. But they still seem like just letters put together that don’t capture the real meaning of what happened.

Driving to that hospital that day felt oddly just like any of the other days we had driven in to see her throughout this process. We knew we wouldn’t be going back. But again. those are just the words we said. What did they really mean.

We parked the car. We walked up to the emerg doors and we all signed our names and grabbed our after hours visitor tags. We walked up the stairs and we turned the corner to ICU. Up until that moment – yes I was upset and sad, yes I was crying like a mad woman – but up until that moment…what were we really doing? this is ridiculous. This can NOT be happening.

The next hour we spent with her was horrible and wonderful all at the same time. She was lying in bed while we all took a moment with her. We told her things we needed to say and wanted her to hear. We all were there together and we all joked and laughed at some good old times. One by one we left.

In the days that have followed, I feel like I am watching myself in a movie. I see all these things going on around me and im participating in all of them but Im really not understanding it all. I say the words to people they need to hear. I let them say the words to me that they need to say. I walk around knowing people are staring at me and I pretend they are the ones in the movie. Like whats going on in their world isn’t whats going on in mine. Cuz in mine, this isnt happening. I mean, I know it is. I get it. But sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it.

I have been silent on this blog for quite some time now. I let the thoughts and judgements from others silence me. When I started this blog it was to journal my life and our story for it to be preserved forever. And now I am reminded exactly how valuable that reason is. I hope i dont turn this into a sob story for years to come, but let’s be honest, it probably will. I want noone on this journey with me because i can guarantee it to be painful, heartbreaking and depressing. I created this page for my own personal reasons and I will no longer let others opinions keep me quiet on here. I will be quiet in real life. I no longer trust my words to come out of my throat without tears following. But here, here i can say all those things that are going on in my head and i can cry. And noone can see. No one can hear the pain in my voice.

I want to be strong for her. I don’t want her to look down and see me cry. I know she didn’t want to go. She had to go. I wonder if she is crying to because of the separation. I wonder what she heard us say to her over those 2 and a half weeks in the hospital. I wonder so many things.

But mostly I wondery why.

 

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4 Responses to “The day the world I was living in was destroyed”

  1. Maria Lianos-Carbone (@amotherworld) July 9, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

    i’m so sorry for your loss. How difficult it is to lose a best friend. May you find strength and peace to carry on.

    • myjampackedlife August 8, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

      thank you. It is very painful to live life without my other half. We were soul sisters and navigating life without her has me so lost. I have no choice but to carry on so I wake up each day and do my best to think of what I can do to not lose myself over this too. I am doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out where to go next.

  2. El Guapo May 5, 2014 at 7:57 pm #

    I have nothing useful to say hear, so I’ll just stand nearby in support.

    And don’t let anyone quiet your voice. Keep telling your stories and saying what you want to say.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Stage of Grief – Anger. | myJAMpackedlife - May 17, 2014

    […] I wrote the post “The day the world in which i was living was destroyed”, I meant it. That world that I once was a part of – is no […]

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