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Reflections and life lessons on my birthday – What this past year has taught me.

11 May

Last week I celebrated another birthday. Like usual, it went by with little fanfare as that to me is the perfect way to spend “my” day. I love the quiet, no expectations about anything, nobody bother me day that my birthday has become. And as I pass another year, I have learned yet another thing about myself. It truly is true that as we age we become more “ourselves”. What I have learned this past year, through all the drama that has been going on in my life, is that when I am bothered by something, I retreat. I don’t talk about it and air it out to everyone I see. I keep it inside, I rerun every scenario 50 times in my head, I rethink and question every decision I made to get me to the point of uncomfortableness that I am feeling. And that’s how I prefer it.

I guess I always knew this about me to some degree, but now I have a better understanding of why. I am easily swayed. I don’t trust my own instincts and second guess myself at every turn. Even when every bone in my body and my gut is telling me not to. I knew if I came on here and poured my heart out, I would get advice that would lead me one way or I’d hear things that I wasn’t ready to hear. I need to figure things out on my own and then whatever decision I make, its mine to own.

I’ve made some not so great choices lately and I am dealing with the repercussions of those choices and trying to convince myself I am OK with everything. When truthfully I am not.

I feel bad for some decisions I’ve made, Im pissed as hell at other decisions I’ve made, or rather haven’t made, and Im just trying to make sense of some other things that are going on still.

Just when Im about to throw in the towel and go to my normal MO of apologizing just to make amends, I get a message that tells me to stay true to who I am and stop sacrificing myself for everyone else.

Its a quote like that that tells me I have great friends in my life and yes I can have many more who like me just a little or at least pretend to, but I’ll take the quality over the quantity anyday. Not everyone is going to like me or my views and that’s Ok too. That’s what makes this world what it is. A group of widely diversified people.

I am truly embracing getting older and becoming who I am and living the life I want more and more each year.

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