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Global warming is really just a lie. Screw you winter! #globalwarming

15 Mar

We have had snow everyday for the past 5 months now. And when I say every day, I may be being a bit dramatic.

Its only been every second day.

When I first heard about global warming, I too bought into the fact that this was a terrible thing. We must do everything we can to stop this process from becoming worse.

Now as I get older…I am beginning to realize that this maybe just be the best possible solution to end our misery.

Is the thought of a winter that only lasts 4 months really a bad thing? Is the possibility that we may only see 4 feet of snow in a winter such a terrible thought. Or maybe the thought of only -15 degrees celsius weather instead of -40 degrees is scary to some. Maybe a summer that lasts longer than 6 weeks would really be miserable and unbearable.

This year I am making a solemn vow to do my part to help with this situation. In fact, I solemnly swear to do everything in my power to increase the rate of global warming in my area. Here are 10 things we are being told not to do, but in fact, if we do them it will help.

1. Eat less meat. Doing so will reduce the gas cows exert from both ends. Nope. Bring on the cows and their methane gas farts.

2. Turn your car off while its idling. This is a double whammy right here. Not only will we increase emissions, but we will burn more fuel, use more oil and get the most bang for our buck.

3. Start a carpool with coworkers. Screw you all. Find your own ride. The more crowded the highways, the better. Let’s really get a good smog build up here.

4. Don’t leave an empty roof rack on your car. It adds wind resistance and increases your fuel consumption. So, if leaving it empty is too much for you, go ahead and pile every piece of useless scrap from your garage on the roof. Really work that car.

5. Buy fresh fruit instead of frozen. Hah. Not around here. Remember we live in a fricken ice age 6 months of the year?  You’re only shooting yourself in the foot with that one mother nature!

6. Buy organic foods as much as possible. Nitrogen and phos are now two of my favorite words. The more they’ve added, the more I will buy. Thank you PotashCorp.

7. Use less hot water. Warm the F up outside and I won’t have to!

8. Replace a regular incandescent light bulb with a compact fluorescent light bulb (cfl). Keep em. The older the better. Add a lamp to every empty socket in your house, pop in an old fashioned bright lightbulb and leave on every hour you are in your house.

9. Do not leave appliances on standby. That’s right. Standby will take too long. In actuality, leave them on completely 24/7.

10. Move your thermostat down 2° in winter and up 2° in summer. This one is the kicker right here. Give me some goddamn summer weather and maybe I would. Until then, my heater is cranked and when the heat does come for 6 weeks this July, I’ll have the AC running full blast while I sit outside and enjoy the heat.

Please help me on my mission to kickstart global warming. I’m really cold.

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