In my head on a bad day……..

I told you last week I was going to share a post that was an emotional one for me to write so here it is. I have good days and bad days like everyone else and this is where my head is on a bad day.

hey all! i know, i know, i’ve been away for awhile. yes. i. have.

Im not quite sure what my intentions are with the blog anymore. It makes me sad because this blog was something I dreamed about for so long and then it was going really well and now its plummetted. hmm, where have I seen this happen before?! Oh yeah, my life! And when I say my life, since this blog has ended up with a financial edge, I mean my financial life.

I wish I blogged anonymously so badly right now. I have so much I need to say and so much I want to say. But I can’t. Im paralyzed by the real life readers. Im paralyzed by the thought of saying it out loud and making it “real”. Im paralyzed by having to deal with it. So I’ve been doing what I do best lately, and avoiding it all. Blogging included.

I was dealt another blow recently that took me somewhat by surprise. I’ve lost the part time job that I was working so here we go again tightening and readjusting the belt buckle of an already tight household income.

I’ve been avoiding talking about it mainly because I do realize how lucky and fortunate we are on so many other levels. We have each other, we have our health and we haven’t had to make any drastic decisions yet. Lately, though,  I find myself walking into a room in the house and I take survey of what’s in front of me. I scan around the room and remember purchasing each item, whether its the bed, the bedding, the furniture or the clothes hanging in the closet. I see it all and Im so thankful for it all. There are people with a lot less than me. There are people whose babies are fighting to stay alive, there are people who are losing parents or siblings, houses, even their sanity. So, while I realize how fortunate I am in so many ways, there are days when the pressure and fears for the future get the best of me.

And today is one of them.

Im so scared right now when I wonder what lies ahead for us. I’m angry with the curve ball that life has thrown at us. Im angry with what my children are having to deal with, Im angry I cry in front of them when I get scared. I’m angry that I’ve let them down.

Im angry I’ve lost the passion for writing. Im angry I can’t talk about it.

I can’t.

People have said they don’t know how Im doing it all right now between the school, hockey, volunteering and the kids. But the truth is if I wasn’t, if I let myself take a breather and take time to stop and think, I’m scared I’ll fall apart. Thats how close it feels sometimes.