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Anxiety and self doubt. Am I making the right decisions?

24 Jul

With July winding down and August right around the corner, the start of school and a complete lifestyle change is also right around the corner. I’m starting to have a bit of anxiety about it all. I think I have evenrything lined up and plans are being made to ensure the kids are taken care of this school year, but I keep second guessing my decisions. I know a lot of people are thinking why would I bother to go to school and spend the next year and a half driving and away from my kids. They are wondeing why i just dont find a regular job and settle in. With all that uncertainty from them, I can’t help but feel a bit of doubt about my decision too. There are days when I think I should just focus on my blog and perhaps find a regular paying job in the small town I live in. This certainly is the easier of the two routes. But then I remember a saying, “nothing worth having is easy” and I remember why I chose this path in the first place.
Even still, I will be traveling on the highway for 2 hours each day to get to school and home and once I am home, I will have a lot of schoolwork to focus on and my time is going to be stretched thin. To make matters worse, in the past 2 weeks, there have been two fatal accidents on the highway that I will be driving on and this is causing me to feel an increase in the anxiety that I was already feeling before. I can’t help but worry and wonder what would happen to my kids if that was me. Is the reward going to be worth the risk of attending school? Will I even be able to find a job in my new area within a closer proximity than I would finding one with the training I currently have or will this all be for nothing.
I’m excited to go to school and have a change in my life. I’m excited to learn all about the new trade and I’m extremely excited to start working in this new field. But all those things are overshadowed right now by how terrified I am of the process to get there. I’ve always found great pride in the fact that I was an equal financial contributor to our family and found comfort knowing that I could support my family on my own if that need ever arose. I want a career and something I can write down in the “occupation” box on every form I fill out.
What I have fail mentioned prior, is that my husband is currently in the process of changing his career as well. As a result there will be about a 7 month overlap between the monies I will be receiving and any pay he will have coming in from his new career. So basically, for the large part of next year, we will have no monies coming into the household. Ae we prepared for that? How will we handle that? A family of 5 with no income? For 7 months?
Every time I sit down to go over the numbers, I get paralyzed with fear. I just want to bury my head in the sand and believe in my heart that everything will work out just fine. Who wouldn’t want to just do that. But at some point, I have to face the reality. In the personal finance community, we talk so much about being prepared for the future. Creating a budget and making sure we have a solid plan is a must. I guess one could wonder why my husband would switch careers at this particular point in time. In fairness, he’s been given a opportunity to do something he’s wanted to do for so long and the deal he is being offered is too good to pass up and one that won’t be there next year if he was to choose to wait until I am done school. That is a huge part of why I’m second guessing my choice as well. Is now really the right time for me to pursuing education or should I wait till he is established in his business and then go. In my situation, the opportunity for funding is a now or never opportunity as well. Yes, I can always apply to the program again next year, but then I restart the whole process again and I may not be accepted. Even if I am, the funding will not be available. We both have deals on the table that will not wait.

I just want someone to tell me what the right thing to do is. I want to know at the end of it all we will be ok. I want to know my kids are going to be taken care of during this all. I keep thinking of Cait from Blonde on a budget and how much strength it took for her to pull the plug on going Bold at the last minute. I know I wouldn’t have been able to make that decision. My personality is such that I would just go and hate it. I don’t want to do that with school. If I go, I want to really want it. I’m just not sure if I do or if it’s the anxiety about the change that is giving me doubts.
Erica at From Shopping to Savings is also going to school starting in the fall and just today posted about the anxiety she is facing, as well. That post made me feel a little more at ease knowing others in the same position are just as nervous as me.
I have one month left before school starts. These next few years are going to be incredibly trying for our family. The only thing I want at then end is for us all to be together. I want to keep our house, but what I really want is to just have things go back to the way they were when I could see the road ahead.

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2 Responses to “Anxiety and self doubt. Am I making the right decisions?”

  1. See Debt Run (@seedebtrun) July 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

    I’m so sorry you’re having so much anxiety. I have to admit that I would be anxious too about the 7 months of uncertainty you have coming up. Hang in there, Mama! Xx
    -M

  2. Budget & the Beach July 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    Oh man this is tough. I really can’t offer any suggestions, just that you always trust your instinct. If that means pulling the plug, then no one will think less. If that means doing it, then I have faith you can make it work, and if it’s not working out in the process, you don’t have to finish. Maybe it’s not as black and white as you think? I know these kinds of decisions are really tough!

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